Sunday, January 26, 2014

to rise whole

I've made it a ritual
to kill myself
five times a week

the fastest and
least painful way,
not a cry heard

in the sleepless nights
minutes after I
record suicidal notes

to my morning self,
my braver self,
the woman who will rise whole.

So she knows what I did wrong,
so she can fix my mistakes.

(Shared with Poets United)


  1. Ah, so often in a sleepless night we are haunted by all we SHOULD have done or who we should have been. Thankfully that self does not rise in the morning; but, of course, waits for us another sleepless night. Points well made in this poem!

  2. Glad to hear this was only metaphorical! Yes, each morning is a new opportunity to start over on a clean slate :)

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  4. What vivid evocation of sleepless nights! I hope mistakes can be fixed more often than just be regretted.

  5. I love "my morning self, my braver self...the woman who will rise whole." Cool. I love the aspect of starting off fresh each morning.

  6. I'm peculiar, but I read this as going into work each day. you've been prolific the past few days, Kenia ~

  7. Each day is like a new canvas....all it requires is a heart willing to start afresh.. :)

  8. Whew. Sometimes our worst is the best available! Scold if she must, but put away the tools of destruction. There! This poem was so convincing it freaked me out! Why need to be a phoenix every day? Why swallow misery to rise again?

  9. Sleepless nights can cause the mind to wander in some deep dark places. At least your second self knows things will be better by morning.

  10. I like this. Not that you completely kill the you but that you let the new you learn from the old you. Tell me though, what do you do at the end of a good day? When does the cycle of being dissatisfied with your life end and the cycle of being happy begin?

    1. My days are not bad. I love my work, I love being around my students and workmates. The problem begins when I get home, right after the house falls asleep and I am left alone with my thoughts. I cry myself into sleep on the hardest day. I don't see the end of the cycle of being dissatisfied. The cycle of being happy begins when I open my eyes the morning after. I write on my dream journal first thing, before leaving bed, then shower, then breakfast and to work. No dissatisfaction throughout the day.

  11. In a very literal sense, I think writing a suicide note for a version of oneself (past, future, whatever) could be very therapeutic.

  12. aahh poignant ... i can relate ...